Visitors to the UK

*Indicates a common mistake.

Student N answer 1 (103 words) 

The line graph illustrates ✔️ how many overseas visitors came to visit UK ^ how many UK residents visited other countries between 1979 to 1999, and the bar graph shows the most popular countries for UK residents in 1999.

 ✔️ Good, this sentence summarises what the graph shows.

Grammar - We visit the UK

^ This symbol indicates that something is missing, in this case “and”.

Conjunctions: “and”   - we already had to add “and” and above, so to avoid repeating the conjunction we should use another such as “whereas" or "while."

Analytical accuracy: “for” - you need to say for UK residents to do what.  To retire to? To study in? No, "to visit".

Overall , the number of overseas visits raised gentely from 10 ^ in 1970 to about 30 ^ in 1999, while the (number of) visits abroad by UK residents was raised sharply to more than 50 ^ in 1990.

✔️  Yes, this sentence summarises the results.  

* Coherence: Considering moving the figures (30 million and 50 million) into the main body.

Punctuation: “Overall ,” You have a redundant space before the comma.

Tense: raised gentely / was raised sharply.  We use the passive voice when we want to emphasise what happened, rather than who did it, or when we don't know who did it. so I understand why you have used it here.  However, the simple past is the better tense choice here

*  ^ Missing unit of measurement.  10 /  30 / 50 what?  The way you have written it sounds like there were only 10 / 30 / 50 visits, whereas in fact it is millions of visits, so you should write 10 million, 30 million etc

Over 10 million of UK residents visit France, meanwhile about 8 million visited Spain. The least popular countries were ^ USA,  Greece, and Turkey by less than 5, 4 and 3 million ^, respectively. ✔️

Grammar - “10 million of” - we don’t use “of” after million, we just say the noun.e.g. 10 million UK residents.

* Grammar: “Visit” - stay in the tense.  You started in the past tense so stay in the past tense.

Grammar - “Meanwhile” always implies time, something happening simultaneously: “Tom cooked dinner.  Meanwhile Jane walked the dog.”  “While” may do the same: “Tom cooked dinner while Jane walked the dog.”  But while, on its own, can also simply suggest a contrast and that is what you should use here.   

The sentences summarising what the information shows and the sentence summarising the results were both good.  

* Coherence: You need to increase your word limit by a third.

Student N second attempt (160 words). (~ 30 mins)

The line graph illustrates ✔️ how many overseas visitors came to visit The UK and how many UK residents visited other countries between 1979 to 1999, whereas ✔️ the bar graph shows those countries most favoured by ✔️ British residents during 1999.  ✔️ 

* Punctuation: Avoid capital letters in the middle of a sentence unless it is the start of a sentence or a “proper noun” such as the  name of a person / city / country / month / day etc. 

Overall, both graphs rose slightly ✔️ till 1986 and then the number of overseas visits rose  sharply ✔️ from 10 in 1970 to about 30 million in 1999, while the visits abroad by UK residents rose dramatically ✔️ to more than 50 in 19990.

Accuracy: To be precise, the graphs didn't rise, the graphs show that the number of visits to and from the UK rose slightly.

Vocabulary: “till” is not formal language.  Write “until”

* Missing unit of measurement  - 10 what? 50 what?

Over 10 million of UK residents visited  France, while about 8 million visited Spain. The least popular countries was The USA ,Greece, and Turkey by less than  5, 4, and 3 million, respectively. ✔️ 

* Grammar: “was” - countries is plural so the verb must agree with countries - “were”

* Grammar - inappropriate capitalisation

Grammar: less / fewer.   "Fewer" is used when referring to items that can be counted individually, while "less" is used when referring to quantities that cannot be counted individually.  “Million” is the unit that can be counted individually so you should use “fewer”.

To summarise the results, the line graph demonstrates ✔️ that visits both towards and away from the UK increased over the period in question, ✔️ while the bar chart shows that France was the destination of choice ✔️ for the majority ✔️ of people departing ✔️ the UK.

* Coherence: You don’t need to summarise at the end.  In fact it is better to do so at the beginning in your second sentence (see formula for writing task 1)  It alerts the examiner to the fact that you can focus and précis. Otherwise, an excellent paragraph. ✔️

Excellent vocabulary and phrasing and good cohesion e.g. “while”, “whereas”.  The feedback categories show that grammar is the main area for you to focus on.  If you keep the feedback in mind when you write your next summary, this will improve with practice,  

Student B answer, 104 words (~ 1 hour):

The line graph information indicates ✔️ how many tourists visit the UK and how many people from the UK visit other countries between 1979 to 1999.

Vocabulary: “Information” is a redundant word here.

Grammar: “Visit” - we can talk about a graph showing how many people visit (present tense), but the time period here is so long ago it makes sense to use the past tense rather than the present.

Grammar:  “Between…. And….”  but “from …. to…..”

 And the bar graph demonstrates ✔️ the most favourite countries visited by UK inhabitants in 1999.

* Grammar: Try to avoid starting a sentence with “and”, especially here where it sounds very abrupt. 

Grammar: Avoid “most favourite”, because ‘favourite’ is already a superlative so adding “most” is redundant.

Vocabulary: “Inhabitants” are used for both people and animals, sometimes tribes. “Residents” sounds better here and is a more common phrase.

Cohesion: Consider connecting the first two sentences using “while” for greater cohesion.

The line graph shows the visited abroad country by the UK and the amount of visitors which visited the UK magnificently increased from 10 million to 29 million and 53 million.

Spelling/grammar: “Visite abroad country” - “the countries visited by UK residents”.

Grammar: From the UK, not by the UK.  “...by UK residents” would be fine.

Grammar: “Amount of visitors” - amount is usually used for uncountable nouns like water, rice.  Visitors are considered countable, so we should say “the number of visitors”.

Vocabulary: Magnificent.  We might say a show or meal is magnificent. “Significantly” is better.

Coherence: The structure is confusing at the end. It is not clear what the 53 million relate to. You can use the word “respectively” at the end of the sentence to show that the 10-29 million increase links to the visits abroad by UK residents while the 12 - 53 million increase links to those visiting the UK.  See example below.

And the bar graph shows countries in order from most visitors to least visitors such as France, Spain, the USA, and  Greece. Among these countries Turkey has fewer visitors from the UK. 

* Grammar: “And” - Avoid starting a sentence with “and”. 

Grammar:  in order from most visit.  “In order of those most visited to those least visited” is the correct construction

Cohesion: You could add useful detail here by saying “In descending order of most visited, these are France, Spain, the USA and Greece: 

Vocabulary: Among - “Of these countries”, sounds better

* Grammar - stay in the tense you started in.  You started in the past tense so stay in the past tense.

(In conclusion, based on the graph’s data the number of visitors to and from the UK between 1979 and 1999 rose slightly.)  ✔️

* Cohesion: Summary is at the end instead of the beginning 

Good use of synonyms for “shows” e.g. “demonstrates”, “indicates”.  You adhere to the formula of briefly summarising what the data shows and you have a good summary sentence, albeit it is at the end instead of the beginning .  

* You would lose marks from your précis being too short so be sure to write at least 150 words next time.

Model answer 1 

Model answer 2: 182 words

[Overview sentence] The line graph presents data about travel between the UK and other countries between 1979 and 1999.  Whereas the bar chart illustrates those countries most favoured by British residents during 1999.

[ Results summary] To summarise the results, the line graph demonstrates that visits both towards and away from the UK increased over the period in question, while the bar chart shows that France was the destination of choice for the majority of people departing the UK.  

[ Main points of graph] The line graph indicates that trips away from the UK outstripped travel to the UK over the same period by a considerable amount, some 26 million.  Nonetheless, both trips toward the UK and those having destinations abroad rose steadily over the twenty year period, reaching 28 million and 54 million respectively.

[3. Main points of bar chart] Results from the bar chart reveal that during 1999, easily the most popular country preferred by UK residents was France, in pole position, at 11 million, followed hard on the heels by Spain, at 9 million, while lagging in last place was Turkey with a mere 2.5. Million visitors and Greece with a scant 3 million.